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Apr. 10th, 2009

conan o'brien

(no subject)

no person on earth has any business being so attractive, especially in conjunction with being attracted to me.

Apr. 8th, 2009

conan o'brien

(no subject)

smitten dance, smitten dance.

we stayed at hound dog's until 5 am.

he walked me home. he gave me a picture he'd drawn earlier.

for me.


Apr. 6th, 2009

double agent: water

(no subject)

so bored i'm almost asleepCollapse )
splinter cell

(no subject)

last night, i had a great dream and a terrible dream. it's been a really long time since i've had non-abstract dreams that actually pertain to the stuff of my desires. usually, i am a giant gorilla carrying dakota fanning through some broken down fairgrounds. (i've had that dream three times now.)

the great dream was fairly uninvolved and perfect in its simplicity. long story short, a not-so-random guy and i are joking about our mutual desire to live in germany which leads to half-interestedly perusing various housing websites, then plane tickets, then visa registration until suddenly we realize that we've applied for an apartment, applied for visas and purchased plane tickets for the next month. next thing i know, we're squeezing each other's hands as we're boarding the plane.

the terrible dream was more typically disconnected from reality and obscure. the lighting was dark, in swimming reds and purples like most of my less desirable dreams. i was at work but work was now understood to be in some weird building that looked like a bizarre, skewed version of my normal store, like an alternate-reality pet people with tweaked dimensions and no retail shelving. the check-out counters had become a single small podium like the kind you'd find at a restaurant. it was late and i was closing with our newest employee, my crazy hippie next door neighbor with like three teeth. he was wearing his street clothes instead of a uniform: patchwork corduroy shorts and an over-sized orange and yellow hawaiian theme button-up, unbuttoned with a white undershirt. my problem with him was not his appearance or obnoxious tendency to play bad music at 2 am. my problem with him was that he was mentally retarded and no one could see it but me.

i mean literally retarded. he would coo and babble, drooling uncontrollably at times, and spend most of his time exploring his own face while laying curled up on the floor behind the podium. this stressed me greatly and it was even more frustrating when i would point at him doing something incredibly retarded and people would ask what the hell i was talking about, say that i was pointing at a perfectly normal human being. he would be babbling and flipping his lips with a limp-wristed claw-hand and customers would seem baffled, "he looks reasonably intelligent to me. what's the problem?" the other distressing issue is that the customers seemed either to be invisible or merely disembodied voices. in each conversation, i would obviously be making eye contact with someone standing somewhere but they did not actually exist. of course, it was not distressing that i might possibly be insane because this was all perfectly well and dream-logical.

at one point, i turned around and my retarded neighbor was playing with the money in the open cash register drawer. i have no idea where he found the dexterity to open the drawer at all, but he did and he was delightedly pulling bills from each well and slapping at the drawer with them. this culminated with him cramming his new paper toys into his pockets. the invisible customers also witnessed this and saw nothing wrong with it, asking why i was raising such a big fuss about nothing. "HE IS RETARDED AND HE JUST STOLE FIFTY DOLLARS. WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM UPSET ABOUT?!?! AAAAAAGHGHGHGH!!!"

that was about the extent of my dream. it's amusing now but i woke up pretty pissed that i had to go back to work for another shift with the tard.

Apr. 4th, 2009

darth bush

fail quote

"you know what i've decided i can't stand? people who say kah-nay corso. it's kayne corso. i understand it's a foreign word but this is fucking america. it's like people who say yur-oh instead of gye-ro."

real quote. really happened. guess who for a dollar.

Mar. 31st, 2009

darth bush

(no subject)

two of my assigned books for my psychology of extraordinary beliefs class are carl sagan and michael shermer. this class is going to be awesome.

the guy i ended up sitting next to, my choice being largely restricted by the proximity of the open seat to the door which i entered late, is the kind of guy i'm sure i would have been smitten with two years ago. he was wearing a blazer, has a sensibly groomed beard and was bold enough to whisper tasteful cynical commentary to a complete stranger he correctly perceived as an appropriate audience. i would call him mature for his age if that didn't make me sound like i view him as a child.

unrelated, every time i play darts, i realize more and more that i actually like it a lot. if you also share this passion and care to join me for a game after i get off work tonight, i strongly suggest contacting me.


Mar. 23rd, 2009

darth bush

(no subject)

i need to learn to alter my behavior depending on the group i am with. it's easy to forget that not everyone appreciates arguments where the bulk of the humor rests in using the volume of your voice and being irrationally stubborn over convincing, factual arguments. getting into a yelling match and taking the obviously wrong standpoint is not as funny when the other party either does not realize i'm being wrong on purpose or just assumes that i'm correct if it's a science-related argument.

telling people that there is no bismuth in pepto-bismol, a curiously pink solution, would be like telling someone that there is obviously no copper in a blue-green solution called cuprosol. equally funny is arguing that bismuth is element 190 on the periodic table.

it's an interesting cycle, yelling at complete strangers in such a way that they misinterpret me more and more with each encounter. i like to imagine they talk about what an ass i am when i'm not around. "this chick doesn't even know about bismuth!" (pronounced biz-mooth)

Mar. 20th, 2009

darth bush

(no subject)

i like reading but i hate how it makes me feel all weird and introverted. yesterday, i went to barnes and noble and, after realizing just how shitty the campus bookstore is, picked up me talk pretty one day, american gods and a random book about obscure animal facts with an appealing, well-designed cover. i finished me talk pretty one day early this evening, paused just long enough to process one of several loads in a long line of laundry, and started american gods. somehow, i wasn't expecting it to be a quirky, semi-mystery fiction a la dean koontz but so far that is what i find it to be, and i am quite pleased. i couldn't speak on who is a better writer between the two so perhaps neil gaiman fans are offended by that statement, or vice versa, and i apologize.

the probable z-factor in my reading-induced bouts of social ineptitude is the fact that i dedicate my entire day to it rather than break it up into several enjoyable days. i have legitimately spoken to three people today, in the sense of forcing air through my larynx to produce audible sounds of communication, one being my roommate, the other my boss and the third being jen whose dogs i am charge of next week. the above conversations did not last more than five minutes each and were likely made shorter by my obvious struggle to make conversation.

at some point over this spring break, i want to go to the book loft in german village. i haven't been since i went with ryan over the summer during the strange three-day period where we spent an unusual and unexpected amount of time together, having spent our previous years more or less pretending to be at odds. i miss that, but he is currently bearded and possibly also in baghdad.

david sedaris makes me wish i was a gay man only so i might be in some way attractive to him. catching his eye, if only for a brief moment, as an object of remote desire would complete my life.

Mar. 16th, 2009

splinter cell

(no subject)

i don't see how anyone can be so proud of such ignorant personal beliefs that they almost brag about them like some kind of personalizing, quirky trait. "oh, that jim! he sure does hate those niggers!" *slap knee, cue laugh track* like, i wonder how many people wouldn't so proudly flaunt their absurdly failed logic if they had any idea how tasteless it truly was.

organ donation is very important to me. just fucking do it. chances are, you'll die of old age or some other condition that renders your organs unfit for donation so you won't even end up parting with them anyway. when you're dead, you're dead. you're not going to suffer further damage if someone takes a kidney or two.

i understand if you have religious or health reasons that prevent you from making the decision to be a voluntary organ donor and that's cool, that's your right. but to selfishly decline organ donation "because [you] grew them and they're [yours]"? not only that but to BRAG about it? fuck you. that's bullshit. you're bullshit.

if you're worried about receiving inadequate health care so that you might be killed off for your organs, also fuck you. it's not like you're going to be rushed in from a car wreck and pumped full of potassium cyanide as soon as they see the red heart on your license. when shit like that happens, it's because the patient has lapsed ambiguously into a persistent vegetative state. if that happens to me, fuck it. pull the plug and put my heart in someone else's chest. take a second to be rational and think of how statistically infrequently dubious goings on like that ACTUALLY happen then also consider the statistical improbability of finding yourself in that exact same situation. will you wind up being prematurely harvested for your organs? no you goddamn will not.

the same thing goes for people who won't donate blood without any medical or religious reason preventing them. i'm sorry, but it takes like half an hour and you get free cookies. if you're worried about passing out, eat something beforehand. if you're worried that it's going to hurt, yes it will... for maybe two seconds. you know what sucks more? dying because your blood type isn't available, something completely avoidable.

i don't even fucking like people and i still do this shit. seriously, come on.
darth bush

(no subject)

things i have been considering:

- getting my nose pierced. just a little stud in one of my nostrils. sometimes i think about getting symmetrical ones on each side, sometimes just one. subtle, tiny studs are cute but i dunno if i actually want something on my face. i also think about getting my septum pierced but i have mixed feelings about that. i feel like everyone has a septum piercing nowadays, especially girls who get it because they think they're cute and feminine enough that something so unconventional only emphasizes their dainty features. that or the whole, "my apathy for your societal standards of beauty is SO great that i'm gonna put this metal shit in my face! grrr!" no offense to girls with septum piercings, i'm just making gross generalizations for the sake of my own self amusement.

i don't want to express social dissent, i just want something to decorate my nose.

- changing my last name. i don't know if i've ever posted about this but i've been thinking about it for a couple years now. i don't know if i want to take my mother's maiden name or just pick something totally random. it sounds frivolous but i'm tired of bearing my obsolete father's name. i wonder if maybe it would be insulting to the family on my mother's side if i didn't pick eyman but we also don't have any sort of traditional or strong family ties. we barely assemble once a year, if twice a year, out of the sheer intolerance for our own kind. last names i have considered: eyman, savage, baum, faust, campbell.

- getting a dog. every day i think about it more seriously and i've decided that i am more than financially sound enough to afford a dog. it would make things tight but i think adopting a shelter dog would be worth it. i want to adopt a dog after i move into my apartment in june which would be the ideal time for me to get a dog - it'll be summer, i won't have to worry about juggling school and taking care of the dog, i'll be right across the street from work so that schedule won't interfere either. autumn quarter, i might only be taking one class and then i'll take the year off until graduate school. the primary concern that has kept me from getting a dog in the past is the issue of time. right now, i wouldn't have nearly enough time to spend raising such a social animal. if i do get a dog, my top candidates are greyhound or bully breed. both have problems with prey drives, though, so i'd have to be careful about picking one out that won't eat my ferrets if given the chance.


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splinter cell

September 2009




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